Henry IV part two

London. A street.
 
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG and his Boy with her, and SNARE following.]
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Master Fang, have you entered the action?
 
FANG
It is entered.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Where's your yeoman? Is it a lusty yeoman? will he stand to it?
 
FANG
Sirrah, where's Snare?
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Aye, aye, good Master Snare.
 
SNARE
Here, here.
 
FANG
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Aye good Master Snare, I have entered him, and all.
 
SNARE
It may chance cost some of us our lives: for he will stab.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day: take heed of him: he stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly: he cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out. He will foin like any devil, he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.
 
FANG
If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
 
FANG
If I but fist him once: if he come but within my vice.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I am undone by his going: I warrant he is an infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang hold him sure: good Master Snare, let him not scape, he comes continuantly to Pie-corner (saving your manhoods) to buy a saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber's-head in Lombard street, to Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray ye, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer: A hundred mark is a long one, for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing, unless a woman should be made an ass and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong. Yonder he comes, and that errant malmsey-nose knave Bardolph with him. Do your offices, do your offices: Master Fang, and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.
 
[Enter FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH]
 
FALSTAFF
How now? whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
 
FANG
Sir John, I arrest you, at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
 
FALSTAFF
Away varlets, draw Bardolph: cut me off the villain's head: throw the quean in the channel.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Throw me in the channel? I'll throw thee there. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue. Murder, murder, O thou honeysuckle villain, wilt thou kill God's officers, and the king's? O thou honey-seed rogue, thou art a honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
 
FALSTAFF
Keep them off, Bardolph.
 
FANG
A rescue, a rescue.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good people bring a rescue. Thou wilt not? Thou wilt not? do, do thou rogue: do thou hemp-seed.
 
FALSTAFF
Away you scullion, you rampallion, You fustilarian: I'll tickle your catastrophe.
 
[Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men]
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
What's the matter? keep the peace here, ho.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good my lord be good to me. I beseech you stand to me.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
How now Sir John? What are you brawling here? Doth this become your place, your time, and business? You should have been well on your way to York. Stand from him fellow; wherefore hangst upon him?
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O most worshipful lord, and it please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
For what sum?
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
It is more than for some (my lord) it is for all: all I have, He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee on nights, like the mare.
 
FALSTAFF
I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground, to get up.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
How comes this, Sir John? Fie, what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course, to come by her own?
 
FALSTAFF
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry (if thou wert an honest man) thyself, and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then (as I was washing thy wound) to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech the butcher's wife come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? Coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar: telling us, she had a good dish of prawns: whereby thou didst desire to eat some: whereby I told thee they were ill for a green wound? And didst not thou (when she was gone down stairs) desire me to be no more so familiar with such poor people, saying, that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath, deny it if thou canst?
 
FALSTAFF
My lord, this is a poor mad soul: and she says up and down the town, that the eldest son is like you. She hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her: But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause, the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words, that come with such (more than impudent) sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration, I know you have practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Yes in troth my lord.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Prithee peace: Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done her: the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.
 
FALSTAFF
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honorable boldness, impudent sauciness: no, my lord (my humble duty remembered) I will not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
You speak, as having power to do wrong: but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy this poor woman.
 
FALSTAFF
Come hither hostess.
 
[Enter GOWER]
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Now Master Gower; what news?
 
GOWER
            ,         ,         ,        ,          ,
      The king |(my lord)| and Har|ry Prince | of Wales
            ,         ,          ,         ,       ,
      Are near | at hand:| the rest | the pap|er tells.
 
FALSTAFF
As I am a gentleman.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, you said so before.
 
FALSTAFF
As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words of it.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.
 
FALSTAFF
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy walls a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal, or the German hunting in waterwork, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings, and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound (if thou canst). Come, and 'twere not for thy humors, there's not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the action: Come, thou must not be in this humor with me, come, I know thou wast set on to this.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Prithee (Sir John) let it be but twenty nobles, I am loath to pawn my plate, in good earnest la.
 
FALSTAFF
Let it alone, I'll make other shift: you'll be a fool still.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, you shall have it although I pawn my gown. I hope you'll come to supper. You'll pay me all together?
 
FALSTAFF
Will I live? Go with her, with her: hook on, hook on.
 
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
 
FALSTAFF
No more words. Let's have her.
 
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, BARDOLPH, Officers and Boy]
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
I have heard better news.
 
FALSTAFF
What's the news (my good lord)?
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Where lay the king last night?
 
GOWER
At Basingstoke, my lord.
 
FALSTAFF
I hope (my lord) all's well. what is the news my lord?
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Come all his forces back?
 
GOWER
       ,             ,        ,           ,        ,
      No: fif|teen^hund|red foot,| five^hund|red horse  ??
             ,       ,           ,        ,      ,
      Are marched | up to | my lord | of Lan|caster,
          ,          ,       ,       2      ,   ,
      Against | Northum|berland | and the Arch|bishop.
 
FALSTAFF
Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord?
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
You shall have letters of me presently. come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
 
FALSTAFF
My lord.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
What's the matter?
 
FALSTAFF
Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
 
GOWER
I must wait upon my good lord here.
I thank you, good Sir John.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up, in counties as you go.
 
FALSTAFF
Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?
 
FALSTAFF
Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me. This is the right fencing grace (my lord) tap for tap, and so part fair.
 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE
Now the Lord lighten thee, thou art a great fool.
 
[Exeunt]