Henry IV part one

Rochester. An inn yard.
 
[Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand]
 
FIRST CARRIER
Heigh-ho, and it be not four by the day, I'll be hanged. Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and yet our horse not packed. What ostler?
 
OSTLER [Within]
Anon, anon.
 
FIRST CARRIER
I prithee Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks in the point: the poor jade is wrung in the withers, out of all cess.
 
[Enter another Carrier]
 
SECOND CARRIER
Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this house is turned upside down since Robin the Ostler died.
 
FIRST CARRIER
Poor fellow never joyed since the price of oats rose, it was the death of him.
 
SECOND CARRIER
I think this be the most villanous house in all London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.
 
FIRST CARRIER
Like a tench? There is nere a king in christendom, could be better bit, than I have been since the first cock.
 
SECOND CARRIER
Why, they will allow us nere a jordan, and then we leak in your chimney: and your chamber-lie breeds fleas like a loach.
 
FIRST CARRIER
What ostler, come away, and be hanged: come away.
 
SECOND CARRIER
I have a gammon of bacon, and two razors of ginger, to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.
 
FIRST CARRIER
The turkeys in my pannier are quite starved. What ostler? A plague on thee, hast thou never an eye in thy head? Canst not hear? And 'twere not as good deed as drink, to break the pate on thee, I am a very villain. Come and be hanged, hast thou no faith in thee?
 
[Enter GADSHILL]
 
GADSHILL
Good morrow carriers. What's o'clock?
 
FIRST CARRIER
I think it be two o'clock.
 
GADSHILL
I pray thee lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding in the stable.
 
FIRST CARRIER
Nay soft I pray ye, I know a trick worth two of that.
 
GADSHILL
I prithee lend me thine.
 
SECOND CARRIER
Aye, when, canst tell? Lend me thy lantern (quoth he) marry I'll see thee hanged first.
 
GADSHILL
Sirrah carrier: what time do you mean to come to London?
 
SECOND CARRIER
Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant thee. Come neighbor Mugs, we'll call up the gentleman, they will along with company, for they have great charge.
 
[Exeunt carriers]
 
[Enter Chamberlain]
 
GADSHILL
What ho, chamberlain?
 
CHAMBERLAIN
At hand quoth pick-purse.
 
GADSHILL
That's even as fair, as at hand quoth the chamberlain: for thou variest no more from picking of purses, than giving direction, doth from laboring: thou layst the plot, how.
 
CHAMBERLAIN
Good morrow Master Gadshill, It holds current that I told you yesternight. There's a franklin in the wild of Kent, hath brought three hundred marks with him in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his company last night at supper; a kind of auditor, one that hath abundance of charge too (God knows what) they are up already, and call for eggs and butter. They will away presently.
 
GADSHILL
Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas' clerks, I'll give thee this neck.
 
CHAMBERLAIN
No, I'll none of it: I pray thee keep that for the hangman, for I know thou worshipst Saint Nicholas as truly as a man of falsehood may.
 
GADSHILL
What talkst thou to me of the hangman? if I hang, I'll make a fat pair of gallows. For, if I hang, old Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowst he is no starveling. Tut, there are other Trojans that thou dreamst not of, the which (for sport sake) are content to do the profession some grace; that would (if matters should be looked into) for their own credit sake, make all whole. I am joined with no foot-land rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers, none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms, but with nobility, and tranquillity; burgomasters, and great oneyers, such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner than speak; and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than pray: and yet I lie, for they pray continually unto their saint the commonwealth; or rather, not pray to her, but prey on her: for they ride up and down on her, and make hit their boots.
 
CHAMBERLAIN
What, the commonwealth their boots? will she hold out water in foul way?
 
GADSHILL
She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We steal as in a castle, cocksure: we have the receipt of fern-seed, we walk invisible.
 
CHAMBERLAIN
Nay, I think rather, you are more beholding to the night, than to fern-seed, for your walking invisible.
 
GADSHILL
Give me thy hand.
Thou shalt have a share in our purchase,
As I am a true man.
 
CHAMBERLAIN
Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.
 
GADSHILL
Go to: homo is a common name to all men. Bid the ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, ye muddy knave.
 
[Exeunt]