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Twelfth Night

Act I, Scene 5

OLIVIA'S house.
 
[Enter MARIA and Clown]
 
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
 
CLOWN
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
 
MARIA
Make that good.
 
CLOWN
He shall see none to fear.
 
MARIA
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of I fear no colours.
 
CLOWN
Where, good Mistress Mary?
 
MARIA
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
 
CLOWN
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
 
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
 
CLOWN
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.
 
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
 
CLOWN
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
 
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
 
CLOWN
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
 
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more of that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
 
[Exit]
 
CLOWN
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit. God bless thee, lady!
 
[Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO]
 
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
 
CLOWN
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
 
OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
 
CLOWN
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
 
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
 
CLOWN
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
 
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
 
CLOWN
Dexterously, good madonna.
 
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
 
CLOWN
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
 
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
 
CLOWN
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
 
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
 
CLOWN
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
 
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
 
CLOWN
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
 
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
 
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
 
CLOWN
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.
 
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
 
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies.
 
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
 
CLOWN
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
 
[Re-enter MARIA]
 
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
 
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
 
MARIA
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
 
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
 
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
 
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him!  Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
 
CLOWN
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
 
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH]
 
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
 
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
 
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
 
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Tis a gentle man here--a plague of these pickle-herring! How now, sot!
 
CLOWN
Good Sir Toby!
 
OLIVIA
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
 
SIR TOBY BELCH
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
 
OLIVIA
Ay, marry, what is he?
 
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
 
[Exit]
 
OLIVIA
What's a drunken man like, fool?
 
CLOWN
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
 
OLIVIA
Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit on my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drowned: go, look after him.
 
CLOWN
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.
 
[Exit]
 
MALVOLIO
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial.
 
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
 
MALVOLIO
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll speak with you.
 
OLIVIA
What kind of man is he?
 
MALVOLIO
Why, of mankind.
 
OLIVIA
What manner of man?
 
MALVOLIO
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
 
OLIVIA
Of what personage and years is he?
 
MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
 
OLIVIA
Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
 
MALVOLIO
Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
 
[Exit. Re-enter MARIA]
 
OLIVIA
Give me my veil: come, throw it ore my face.  We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
 
[Enter VIOLA, and Attendants]
 
VIOLA
The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
 
OLIVIA
Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
 
VIOLA
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
 
OLIVIA
Whence came you, sir?
 
VIOLA
I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
 
OLIVIA
Are you a comedian?
 
VIOLA
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
 
OLIVIA
If I do not usurp myself, I am.
 
VIOLA
Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.
 
OLIVIA
Come to what is important in it: I forgive you the praise.
 
VIOLA
Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
 
OLIVIA
It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
 
MARIA
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
 
VIOLA
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
 
OLIVIA
Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
 
VIOLA
It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
 
OLIVIA
Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
 
VIOLA
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, divinity, to any other's, profanation.
 
OLIVIA
Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
 
[Exeunt MARIA and Attendants]
 
Now, sir, what is your text?
 
VIOLA
Most sweet lady,--
 
OLIVIA
A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text?
 
VIOLA
In Orsino's bosom.
 
OLIVIA
In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
 
VIOLA
To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
 
OLIVIA
O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
 
VIOLA
Good madam, let me see your face.
 
OLIVIA
Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is it not well done?
 
[Unveiling]
 
VIOLA
Excellently done, if God did all.
 
OLIVIA
'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
 
VIOLA
             ,      ,       ,            ,          ,
1     'Tis beau|ty tru|ly blent,| whose red | and white
        ,              ,          ,         ,          ,
      Nature's | own sweet | and cun|ning hand | laid^on:
       ,          ,          ,         ,       ,
      Lady,| you are | the cruel|lest she | alive,
          ,           ,           ,       ,         ,
      If you | will lead | these gra|ces to | the grave
            ,           ,         ,
      And leave | the world | no cop|y.  \\
 
OLIVIA
O sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as, item, two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
 
VIOLA
         ,          ,         ,               ,    ,
6     I see | you what | you are,| you are / too proud;
           ,         ,         ,       ,          ,
      But if | you were | the de|vil, you | are fair:
           ,         ,        ,          ,          ,
      My lord | and mas|ter loves | you: O | such love
             ,        ,       ,             ,            ,
      Could be | but re|compensed,| though you | were crowned
           ,      ,         ,
10    The non|pareil | of beau|ty.
 
OLIVIA
                                    ,      ,          ,     ->
                                   How | does he || love me?
 
VIOLA
            ,   ,         ,         ,
      With ad|ora|tions, fer|tile tears,
              ,            ,        ,           ,          ,
      With groans | that thun|der love,| with sighs | of fire.
 
OLIVIA
             ,           ,         ,       ,        ,        ->
      Your lord | does know | my mind;| I can|not love || him
       ,   2      ,         ,   2       ,         ,
      Yet I sup|pose him | virtuous,| know him | noble,
           ,         ,         ,           ,          ,
      Of great | estate,| of fresh | and stain|less youth;
          ,          2      ,      ,       ,           ,  2
      In voi|ces well di/vulged, free,| learned and | valiant;
           ,      ,        ,          ,         ,      2->
      And in | dimen|sion and | the shape | of na||ture
         ,         ,      2     ,     2    ,      ,
      A gra|cious per|son, but yet | I cannot | love him;
           ,            ,         ,        ,      ,
20    He might | have took | his an|swer long | ago.
 
VIOLA
         ,         ,         ,       ,          ,
      If I | did love | you in | my mas|ter's flame,
             ,       ,     2      ,        ,       ,
      With such | a suf|fering, such | a dead|ly life,
           ,       ,    ,           ,         ,
      In your | deni|al I | would find | no sense;
          ,          ,         x
      I would | not un|derstand it.
 
OLIVIA
                                      ,            ,
                                     Why, what | would you?
 
VIOLA
        ,          ,       ,      ,          ,
      Make me | a wil|low cab|in at | your gate,
            ,       ,        ,        ,          ,
      And call | upon | my soul | within | the house;
             ,      ,        ,       ,        ,
      Write^loy|al can|tons of | contem|ned love
            ,           ,    ,   2           ,         ,
      And sing | them loud | even in | the dead | of night;
          ,           ,     ,          ,    2      ,
30    Halloo | your name | to the | rever|berate hills
            ,         ,         ,       ,        ,
      And make | the bab|bling gos|sip of | the air
           ,      ,  2   ,          ,           ,
      Cry out | Oli|via: O | You should | not rest
          ,          ,    ,         ,          ,
      Between | the el|ements | of air | and earth,
           ,            ,     ,
      But you | should pit|y me.
 
OLIVIA
                                      ,          ,
                                You might | do much.
        ,    2        ,   2
      What is your | parentage?  (pickup)
 
VIOLA
         ,        ,          ,         ,          ,
      Above | my for|tunes, yet | my state | is well:
      ,         ,      ,
      I am | a gen|tleman. (picked up)
 
OLIVIA
       ,         ,         __
      Get you | to your | lord;  (pickup)
         ,        ,          ,          ,         ,
40    I can|not love | him: let | him send | no more;
          ,          ,           ,        ,      ,
      Unless |(perchance)| you come | to me | again,
           ,        ,         ,           ,          ,
      To tell | me how | he takes | it. Fare | you well:
          ,          ,           ,             ,         ,
      I thank | you for | your pains:| spend^this | for me.
 
VIOLA
       2    ,     T     T    T       ,           ,
      I am no | fee'd post, la|dy; keep | your purse:
          ,        ,        ,           ,      ,
      My mas|ter, not | myself,| lacks re|compense.
        ,               ,          ,           ,            ,
      Love make | his heart | of flint | that you | shall love;
           ,          ,         ,        ,          ,
      And let | your fer|vor, like | my mas|ter's, be
         ,             ,          ,       ,   ,
      Placed in | contempt:| Farewell,| fair cru/elty.
 
[Exit]
 
OLIVIA
        ,    2        ,    2
      What is your | parentage?  (picked up)
         ,        ,          ,         ,          ,
50    Above | my for|tunes, yet | my state | is well:
         ,      ,     2      ,         ,           ,
      I am | a gen|tleman. I'll | be sworn | thou art;
             ,           ,          ,      ,               x
      Thy tongue,| thy face,| thy limbs,| actions | and spirit,
           ,           ,         ,          2        ,     ,       ,  ->
      Do give | thee five-|fold^bla|zon: not too / fast: soft,|| soft,
           ,         ,           2     ,         ,
      Un|less the | master | were the man.| How now?
      ,           ,             ,    ,            ,
      Even | so quick|ly may / one catch | the plague?
           ,     T   T    T      ,          ,
      Methinks | I feel this | youth's per|fections
        ,          ,    ,         ,          ,
      With an | invis|ible | and sub|tle stealth
           ,      ,             ,           ,        ,
      To creep | in at | mine^eyes.| Well, let | it be.
            ,       ,  2
      What ho,| Malvo|lio.
 
[Enter Malvolio]
 
MALVOLIO
                            ,     ,        2      ,       2->
60                        Here | madam,| at your ser||vice.
 
OLIVIA
           ,              ,   ,        ,      ,
      Run^af|ter that / same pee|vish mes|senger,
             ,       ,          ,           ,       ,
      The count's | man: he | left this | ring be|hind him,
        ,           ,      ,               ,        ,
      Would I | or not:| tell him | I'll none | of it.
          ,         ,         ,        ,          ,
      Desire | him not | to flat|ter with | his lord,
            ,         ,          ,      2    ,         ,
      Nor hold | him up | with hopes;| I am not | for him:
       ,     2        ,            ,          ,      ,
      If that the | youth will | come this | way to|morrow,
             ,         ,        ,         ,      ,         ,   , ->
      I'll give | him rea|sons for | it: hie | thee, Mal||voli|o.
 
MALVOLIO
       ,            ,    oo
      Ma/dam, | I will.|
 
OLIVIA
         ,       ,          ,          ,         ,
      I do | I know | not what,| and fear | to find
            ,          ,         ,    2    ,         ,
70    Mine^eye | too great | a flat|terer for | my mind.
        ,     ,        ,           ,         ,        ,
      Fate, show thy force:| ourselves | we do | not owe; ????
            ,       ,           ,        ,         ,
      What is | decreed | must be,| and be | this so.
 
[Exit]

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