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A room in the Garter Inn.
[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL
Why then the world's mine oyster, which I, with sword will open.
FALSTAFF
Not a penny: I have been content (sir) you should lay my countenance to
pawn: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you, and
your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a
geminy of baboons: I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my friends,
you were good soldiers, and tall fellows. And when Mistress Bridget lost the
handle of her fan, I took it upon mine honor thou hadst it not.
PISTOL
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkst thou I'll endanger my soul, gratis? At a
word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: Go, a short knife and a
throng, to your manor of Pickt-hatch: Go, You'll not bear a letter for me
you rogue? you stand upon your honor: Why, (thou unconfinable baseness) it is
as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honor precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honor in
my necessity, am fain to shuffle: to hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you rogue,
will ensconce your rags; your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice
phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honor? You
will not do it? you?
PISTOL
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN]
ROBIN
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF
Let her approach.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so and it please your worship.
FALSTAFF
Good maid then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer; what with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word, or two?
FALSTAFF
Two thousand (fair woman) and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, (sir) I pray come a little nearer this ways: I
myself dwell with master Doctor Caius:
FALSTAFF
Well, on; Mistress Ford, you say.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship come a little nearer this
ways.
FALSTAFF
I warrant thee, nobody hears: mine own people, mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make them his servants.
FALSTAFF
Well; Mistress Ford, what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir; she's a good creature; Lord, Lord, your worship's a wanton: Well:
heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray--
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford: come, Mistress Ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you have brought her into such
a canaries, as 'tis wonderful: The best courtier of them all (when the court
lay at Windsor) could never have brought her to such a canary: yet there has
been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you
coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so
sweetly; all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in
such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best, and the fairest,
that would have won any woman's heart: and I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels given me this morning,
but I defy all angels (in any such sort, as they say) but in the way of
honesty: and I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a
cup with the proudest of them all, and yet there has been earls: nay, (which
is more) pensioners, but I warrant you all is one with her.
FALSTAFF
But what says she to me? be brief my good she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter: for the which she thanks you a
thousand times; and she gives you to notify, that her husband will be absence
from his house, between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
Ten, and eleven.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Aye, forsooth: and then you may come and see the picture (she says) that you
wot of: Master Ford her husband will be from home: Alas, the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him: he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very
frampold life with him (good heart).
FALSTAFF
Ten, and eleven. Woman, commend me to her, I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, you say well: But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress
Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your
ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one (I tell you) that will
not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoere be
the other: and she bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldom from
home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote
upon a man; surely I think you have charms, la: yes in truth.
FALSTAFF
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attractions of my good parts aside, I have
no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for it.
FALSTAFF
But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford's wife, and Page's wife acquainted
each other, how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That were a jest indeed: they have not so little grace I hope, that were a
trick indeed: but Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
page of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little
page: and truly Master Page is an honest man: Never a wife in Windsor leads
a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all,
pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will:
and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is
one: You must send her your page, no remedy.
FALSTAFF
Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, but do so then, and look you, he may come and go between you both:
and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand anything; for 'tis not good that children
should know any wickedness: old folks you know, have discretion, as they
say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF
Fare thee well, commend me to them both: there's my purse, I am yet thy
debtor: Boy, go along with this woman, This news distracts me.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]
PISTOL
,
, , ,
,
This punk | is one | of Cup|id's car|riers,
,
, , , ,
Clap^on | more* sails,| pursue:| up with
| your fights:
, ,
, , ,
, ,
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all. ????
[Exit]
FALSTAFF
Sayst thou so (old Jack) go thy ways: I'll make more of thy old body than I
have done: Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so
much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee: Let them say 'tis
grossly done, so it be fairly done, no matter.
[Enter BARDOLPH]
BARDOLPH
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be
acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
FALSTAFF
Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH
Aye sir.
FALSTAFF
Call him in: such Brooks are welcome to me, that oreflow such liquor: ah
ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? go to, via.
[Enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]
FORD
Bless you sir.
FALSTAFF
And you sir: Would you speak with me?
FORD
I make bold, to press, with so little preparation upon you.
FALSTAFF
You're welcome, What's your will? Give us leave drawer.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
FORD
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much, my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you, for I must let you
understand, I think myself in better plight for a lender, than you are: the
which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion: for they
say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF
Money is a good soldier (sir) and will on.
FORD
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear
it (Sir John) take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD
I will tell you sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF
Speak (good Master Brook) I shall be glad to be your servant.
FORD
Sir, I hear you are a scholar: (I will be brief with you) and you have been
a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must
very much lay open mine own imperfection: but (good Sir John) as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the
register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF
Very well sir, proceed.
FORD
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's name is Ford.
FALSTAFF
Well sir.
FORD
I have long loved her, and I protest to you, bestowed much on her: followed
her with a doting observance: engrossed opportunities to meet her: fee'd
every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her: not
only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many, to
know what she would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath
pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all occasions: But whatsoever I
have merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed I am sure I have
received none, unless experience be a jewel, that I have purchased at an
infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this,
T T
. T , ,
, ,
Love like a shad|ow
flies,| when sub|stance love | pursues,
,
, , ,
, ,
Pursu|ing that | that flies,| and fly|ing what | pursues.
FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love then?
FORD
Like a fair house, built on another man's ground, so that I have lost my
edifice, by mistaking the place where I erected it.
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she
appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir John) here is the heart
of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person,
generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
FALSTAFF
O sir.
FORD
Believe it, for you know it: There is money, spend it, spend it, spend more;
spend all I have, only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to
lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of
wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win
what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
FORD
O, understand my drift: She dwells so securely on the excellency of her
honor, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright
to be looked against. Now, could I could come to her with any detection in
my hand; my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves, I could
drive her then from the ward of her purity; her reputation, her
marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defenses, which now are too too
strongly embattled against me: What say you to it, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money: next, give me your
hand: and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's
wife.
FORD
O good sir.
FALSTAFF
I say you shall.
FORD
Want no money (Sir John) you shall want none.
FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford (Master Brook) you shall want none: I shall be with
her (I may tell you) by her own appointment, even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I say I shall be with her between
ten and eleven: for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will
be forth: Come you to me at night, you shall know how I speed.
FORD
I am blessed in your acquaintance: Do you know Ford sir?
FALSTAFF
Hang him (poor cuckoldly knave) I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him
poor: they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored: I will use her as the key of the
cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's my harvest-home.
FORD
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him, if you saw him.
FALSTAFF
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue, I will stare him out of his wits: I
will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor ore the cuckold's
horns: Master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate over the peasant,
and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night: Ford's a knave,
and I will aggravate his style: thou O(Master Brook) shalt know him for knave,
and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
[Exit]
FORD
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this? My heart is ready to crack with
impatience: Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him,
the hour is fixed, the match is made: would any man have thought this? See
the hell of having a false woman: My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this
villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by
him that does me this wrong: Terms, names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer,
well: Barbason, well: yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends:
but Cuckold, Wittol, Cuckold? The devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous: I
will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my
cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then
she devises: and what they think in their hearts they may effect; they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy:
Eleven o'clock the hour, I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it, better three hours too soon,
than a minute too late: Fie, fie, fie: cuckold, cuckold, cuckold.
[Exit]