Much Ado About Nothing

A hall in LEONATO'S house.
 
[Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and others]
 
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
 
ANTONIO
I saw him not.
 
BEATRICE
How tartly that gentleman looks, I never can see him, but I am heart-burned an hour after.
 
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
 
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick, the one is too like an image and says nothing, and the other too like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.
 
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John's mouth, and half Count John's melancholy in Signior Benedick's face.
 
BEATRICE
With a good leg, and a good foot uncle, and money enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman in the world, if he could get her good will.
 
LEONATO
By my troth niece, thou wilt never get thee a husband, if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue.
 
ANTONIO
In faith she's too cursed.
 
BEATRICE
Too cursed is more than cursed, I shall lessen God's sending that way: for it is said, God sends a cursed cow short horns, but to a cow too cursed he sends none.
 
LEONATO
So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns.
 
BEATRICE
Just, if he send me no husband, for the which blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and evening: Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face, I had rather lie in the woollen.
 
LEONATO
You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
 
BEATRICE
What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel, and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a beard, is more than a youth: and he that hath no beard, is less than a man: and he that is more than a youth, is not for me: and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell.
 
LEONATO
Well then, go you into hell.
 
BEATRICE
No, but to the gate, and there will the devil meet me like an old cuckold with horns on his head, and say, get you to heaven Beatrice, get you to heaven, here's no place for you maids, so deliver I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter: for the heavens, he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long.
 
ANTONIO
Well niece, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
 
BEATRICE
Yes faith, it is my cousin's duty to make curtsey, and say, as it please you: but yet for all that cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy, and say, Father, as it please me.
 
LEONATO
Well niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
 
BEATRICE
Not till God make men of some other metal than earth, would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? No uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren, and truly I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.
 
LEONATO
Daughter, remember what I told you, if the prince do solicit you in that kind, you know your answer.
 
BEATRICE
The fault will be in the music cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the prince be too important, tell him there is measure in everything, and so dance out the answer, for hear me Hero, wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig (and full as fantastical) the wedding mannerly-modest (as a measure) full of state and ancientry, and then comes repentance, and with his bad legs falls into the cinque pace faster and faster, till he sinks into his grave.
 
LEONATO
Cousin you apprehend passing shrewdly.
 
BEATRICE
I have a good eye uncle, I can see a church by daylight.
 
LEONATO
The revellers are entering brother, make good room.
 
[All put on their masks. Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA and others, masked]
 
DON PEDRO
Lady, will you walk about with your friend?
 
HERO
So you walk softly, and look sweetly, and say nothing, I am yours for the walk, and especially when I walk away.
 
DON PEDRO
With me in your company.
 
HERO
I may say so when I please.
 
DON PEDRO
And when please you to say so?
 
HERO
When I like your favor, for God defend the lute should be like the case.
 
DON PEDRO
My visor is Philemon's roof, within the house is Jove.
 
HERO
Why then your visor should be thatched.
 
DON PEDRO
Speak low if you speak love.
 
BALTHASAR
Well, I would you did like me.
 
MARGARET
So would not I for your own sake, for I have many ill qualities.
 
BALTHASAR
Which is one?
 
MARGARET
I say my prayers aloud.
 
BALTHASAR
I love you the better, the hearers may cry Amen.
 
MARGARET
God match me with a good dancer.
 
BALTHASAR
Amen.
 
MARGARET
And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is done: answer clerk.
 
BALTHASAR
No more words the clerk is answered.
 
URSULA
I know you well enough, you are Signior Antonio.
 
ANTONIO
At a word, I am not.
 
URSULA
I know you by the waggling of your head.
 
ANTONIO
To tell you true, I counterfeit him.
 
URSULA
You could never do him so ill well, unless you were the very man: here's his dry hand up and down, you are he, you are he.
 
ANTONIO
At a word I am not.
 
URSULA
Come, come, do you think I do not know you by your excellent wit? can virtue hide itself? Go to, mum, you are he, graces will appear, and there's an end.
 
BEATRICE
Will you not tell me who told you so?
 
BENEDICK
No, you shall pardon me.
 
BEATRICE
Nor will you not tell me who you are?
 
BENEDICK
Not now.
 
BEATRICE
That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit out of the Hundred Merry Tales: well, this was Signior Benedick that said so.
 
BENEDICK
What's he?
 
BEATRICE
I am sure you know him well enough.
 
BENEDICK
Not I, believe me.
 
BEATRICE
Did he never make you laugh?
 
BENEDICK
I pray you what is he?
 
BEATRICE
Why he is the prince's jester, a very dull fool, only his gift is, in devising impossible slanders, none but libertines delight in him, and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany, for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him, and beat him: I am sure he is in the fleet, I would he had boarded me.
 
BENEDICK
When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.
 
BEATRICE
Do, do, he'll but break a comparison or two on me, which peradventure (not marked, or not laughed at) strikes him into melancholy, and then there's a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night. We must follow the leaders.
 
BENEDICK
In every good thing.
 
BEATRICE
Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at the next turning.
 
[Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO]

DON JOHN
Sure my brother is amorous on Hero, and hath withdrawn her father to break with him about it. The ladies follow her, and but one visor remains.
 
BORACHIO
And that is Claudio, I know him by his bearing.
 
DON JOHN
Are not you Signior Benedick?
 
CLAUDIO
You know me well, I am he.
 
DON JOHN
Signior, you are very near my brother in his love, he is enamoured on Hero, I pray you dissuade him from her, she is no equal for his birth: you may do the part of an honest man in it.
 
CLAUDIO
How know you he loves her?
 
DON JOHN
I heard him swear his affection.
 
BORACHIO
So did I too, and he swore he would marry her tonight.
 
DON JOHN
Come, let us to the banquet.
 
[Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO]
 
CLAUDIO
            ,      ,     2      ,        ,     ,
      Thus^ans|wer I | in the name | of Ben|edick,
            ,           ,      ,      2        ,         ,  2
      But hear | these^ill | news with the | ears of | Claudio:
             ,       ,          ,       ,              ,
      'Tis cert|ain so,| the prince | wooes for | himself:
         T   T    .  T              ,   ,        ,
      Friendship is const|ant in / all oth|er things,
        ,            ,       ,        ,          ,
      Save in | the of|fice and | affairs | of love:
             ,           ,          ,                 ,     ,
      Therefore^|all* hearts | in love | use their / own tongues.
           ,      ,       ,    ,       2    ,
      Let^eve|ry eye | nego|tiate | for itself,
       .    T    T  T       ,      ,        2    ,
      And trust no ag|ent: for | beauty | is a witch,
          ,       T      T      T       ,         2     ,
      Against | whose charms, faith | melteth | into* blood:
        ,    2      ,  2           ,       ,
      This is an | accident | of hour|ly proof,
      <-  ,    2       ,        T     T   T      ,          ,
        Which I mis||trusted | not. Farewell | therefore | Hero.
 
BENEDICK
Count Claudio?
 
CLAUDIO
Yea, the same.
 
BENEDICK
Come, will you go with me?
 
CLAUDIO
Whither?
 
BENEDICK
Even to the next willow, about your own business, count. What fashion will you wear the garland of? about your neck, like an usurer's chain? or under your arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wear it one way, for the prince hath got your Hero.
 
CLAUDIO
I wish him joy of her.
 
BENEDICK
Why that's spoken like an honest drovier, so they sell bullocks: But did you think the prince would have served you thus?
 
CLAUDIO
I pray you leave me.
 
BENEDICK
Ho now you strike like the blind man, 'twas the boy that stole your meat, and you'll beat the post.
 
CLAUDIO
If it will not be, I'll leave you.
 
[Exit]
 
BENEDICK
Alas poor hurt fowl, now will he creep into sedges: But that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and not know me: The prince's fool! Ha? It may be I go under that title, because I am merry: yea but so I am apt to do myself wrong: I am not so reputed, it is the base (though bitter) disposition of Beatrice, that puts the world into her person, and so gives me out: well, I'll be revenged as I may.
 
DON PEDRO
Now signior, where's the count, did you see him?
 
BENEDICK
Troth my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame. I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in a warren, I told him, and I think, I told him true, that your grace had got the good will of this young lady, and I offered him my company to a willow tree, either to make him a garland, as being forsaken, or to bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped.
 
DON PEDRO
To be whipped, what's his fault?
 
BENEDICK
The flat transgression of a schoolboy, who being overjoyed with finding a birds' nest, shows it his companion, and he steals it.
 
DON PEDRO
Wilt thou make a trust, a transgression? The transgression is in the stealer.
 
BENEDICK
Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made, and the garland too, for the garland he might have worn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed on you, who (as I take it) have stolen his birds' nest.
 
DON PEDRO
I will but teach them to sing, and restore them to the owner.
 
BENEDICK
If their singing answer your saying, by my faith you say honestly.
 
DON PEDRO
The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you, the gentleman that danced with her, told her she is much wronged by you.
 
BENEDICK
O she misused me past the endurance of a block: an oak but with one green leaf on it would have answered her: my very visor began to assume life, and scold with her: She told me, not thinking I had been myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was duller than a great thaw, huddling jest upon jest, with such impossible conveyance upon me, that I stood like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at me: she speaks poniards, and every word stabs: if her breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were no living near her, she would infect to the north star: I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed, she would have made Hercules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make the fire too: come, talk not of her, you shall find her the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God some scholar would conjure her, for certainly while she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary, and people sin upon purpose, because they would go thither, so indeed all disquiet, horror, and perturbation follows her.
 
DON PEDRO
Look here she comes.
 
[Enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO]
 
BENEDICK
Will your grace command me any service to the world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on: I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the furthest inch of Asia: bring you the length of Prester John's foot: fetch you a hair off the great Cham's beard: do you any embassage to the Pigmies, rather than hold three words' conference, with this harpy: you have no employment for me?
 
DON PEDRO
None, but to desire your good company.
 
BENEDICK
O God sir, here's a dish I love not, I cannot endure my Lady Tongue.
 
[Exit]
 
DON PEDRO
Come lady, come, you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.
 
BEATRICE
Indeed my lord, he lent it me awhile, and I gave him use for it, a double heart for his single one, marry once before he won it of me, with false dice, therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.
 
DON PEDRO
You have put him down lady, you have put him down.
 
BEATRICE
So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools: I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
 
DON PEDRO
Why how now count, wherefore are you sad?
 
CLAUDIO
Not sad my lord.
 
DON PEDRO
How then? sick?
 
CLAUDIO
Neither, my lord.
 
BEATRICE
The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well: but civil count, civil as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion.
 
DON PEDRO
In faith lady, I think your blazon to be true, though I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false: here Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won, I have broke with her father, and his good will obtained, name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy.
 
LEONATO
Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his grace hath made the match, and an grace say, Amen to it.
 
BEATRICE
Speak count, 'tis your cue.
 
CLAUDIO
Silence is the perfectest herald of joy, I were but little happy if I could say, how much? Lady, as you are mine, I am yours, I give away myself for you, and dote upon the exchange.
 
BEATRICE
Speak cousin, or (if you cannot) stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.
 
DON PEDRO
In faith lady, you have a merry heart.
 
BEATRICE
Yea my lord I thank it, poor fool it keeps on the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.
 
CLAUDIO
And so she doth cousin.
 
BEATRICE
Good Lord for alliance: Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburned, I may sit in a corner and cry, heigh-ho for a husband.
 
DON PEDRO
Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
 
BEATRICE
I would rather have one of your father's getting: Hath your grace nere a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
 
DON PEDRO
Will you have me? lady.
 
BEATRICE
No, my lord, unless I might have another for working-days, your grace is too costly to wear every day: but I beseech your grace pardon me, I was born to speak all mirth, and no matter.
 
DON PEDRO
Your silence most offends me, and to be merry, best becomes you, for out of question, you were born in a merry hour.
 
BEATRICE
No sure my lord, my mother cried, but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born: cousins God give you joy.
 
LEONATO
Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
 
BEATRICE
I cry you mercy uncle, by your grace's pardon.
 
[Exit]
 
DON PEDRO
By my troth a pleasant-spirited lady.
 
LEONATO
There's little of the melancholy element in her my lord, she is never sad, but when she sleeps, and not ever sad then: for I have heard my daughter say, she hath often dreamed of unhappiness, and waked herself with laughing.
 
DON PEDRO
She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
 
LEONATO
O, by no means, she mocks all her wooers out of suit.
 
DON PEDRO
She were an excellent wife for Benedict.
 
LEONATO
O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.
 
DON PEDRO
Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
 
CLAUDIO
Tomorrow my lord, time goes on crutches, till love have all his rites.
 
LEONATO
Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just seven-night, and a time too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.
 
DON PEDRO
Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing, but I warrant thee Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim, undertake one of Hercules' labors, which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection, the one with the other, I would fain have it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.
 
LEONATO
My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights' watchings.
 
CLAUDIO
And I my lord.
 
DON PEDRO
And you too gentle Hero?
 
HERO
I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.
 
DON PEDRO
And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know: Thus far can I praise him, he is of a noble strain, of approved valor, and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humor your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick, and I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick, that in despite of his quick wit, and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice: if we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer, his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods, go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
 
[Exeunt]