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Eastcheap. The Boar's-Head Tavern.
[Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely, since this last action? do I not bate?
do I not dwindle? Why my skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's
loose gown: I am withered like an old apple-john. Well, I'll repent, and
that suddenly, while I am in some liking: I shall be out of heart shortly,
and then I shall have no strength to repent. An I have not forgotten what
the inside of a church is made of. I am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse, the
inside of a church. Company, villanous company hath been the spoil of me.
BARDOLPH
Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.
FALSTAFF
Why there is it: come, sing me a bawdy song, make me merry: I was as
virtuously given, as a gentleman need to be; virtuous enough, swore little,
diced not above seven times a week, went to a bawdy-house once in a
quarter of an hour, paid money that I borrowed, three of four times; lived
well, and in good compass: and now I live out of all order, out of all
compass.
BARDOLPH
Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs be out of all compass;
out of all reasonable compass, Sir John.
FALSTAFF
Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life: thou art our admiral, thou
bearest the lantern in the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
Knight of the Burning Lamp.
BARDOLPH
Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.
FALSTAFF
No, I'll be sworn: I make as good use of it, as many a man doth of a
Death's-head, or a memento mori: I never see thy face, but I think upon
hellfire, and Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his robes
burning, burning. If thou wert any way given to virtue, I would swear by thy
face; my oath should be, By this fire: but thou art
altogether given over; and wert indeed, but for the light in thy face, the
sun of utter darkness. When thou ranst up Gadshill in the night, to catch
my horse, if I did not think thou hadst been an ignis fatuus, or a ball of
wildfire, there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a perpetual triumph, an
everlasting bonfire-light: Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and
torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt tavern and tavern: but the
sack that thou hast drunk me, would have bought me lights as good cheap, at
the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have maintained that salamander of yours
with fire, any time this two and thirty years, God reward me for it.
BARDOLPH
I would my face were in your belly.
FALSTAFF
So should I be sure to be heart-burned. How now, Dame Partlet
the hen, have you inquired yet who picked my pocket?
[Enter Hostess]
HOSTESS
Why Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you think I keep thieves in
my house? I have searched, I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man,
boy by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair was never lost in my
house before.
FALSTAFF
Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved, and lost many a hair; and I'll be sworn
my pocket was picked: Go to, you are a woman, go.
HOSTESS
Who I? I defy thee: I was never called so in mine own
house before.
FALSTAFF
Go to, I know you well enough.
HOSTESS
No, Sir John, you do not know me, Sir John: I know you, Sir John: you owe me
money, Sir John, and now you pick a quarrel, to beguile me of it: I bought
you a dozen of shirts to your back.
FALSTAFF
Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to bakers' wives, and they
have made bolters of them.
HOSTESS
Now as I am a true woman, holland of eight shillings an ell: You owe money
here besides, Sir John, for your diet, and by-drinkings, and money lent you,
four and twenty pounds.
FALSTAFF
He had his part of it, let him pay.
HOSTESS
He? alas, he is poor, he hath nothing.
FALSTAFF
How? poor? look upon his face: what call you rich? let them coin his nose,
let them coin his cheeks, I'll not pay a denier. What, will you make a
younker of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn, but I shall have my
pocket picked? I have lost a seal-ring of my grandfather's, worth forty mark.
HOSTESS
I have heard the prince tell him, I know not how oft, that ring was copper.
FALSTAFF
How? the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: and if he were here, I would
cudgel him like a dog, if he would say so. How now lad? Is the wind in that
door? Must we all march?
[Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF meets them playing on
his truncheon like a life]
BARDOLPH
Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.
HOSTESS
My lord, I pray you hear me.
PRINCE HENRY
What sayst thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy husband? I love him well, he
is an honest man.
HOSTESS
Good, my lord, hear me.
FALSTAFF
Prithee let her alone, and list to me.
PRINCE HENRY
What sayst thou, Jack?
FALSTAFF
The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras, and had my pocket
picked: this house is turned bawdy-house, they pick pockets.
PRINCE HENRY
What didst thou lose, Jack?
FALSTAFF
Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of forty pound apiece, and a
seal-ring of my grandfather's.
PRINCE HENRY
A trifle, some eight-penny matter.
HOSTESS
So I told him, my lord; and I said, I heard your grace say so: and (my lord)
he speaks most vilely of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is, and said, he
would cudgel you.
PRINCE HENRY
What he did not?
HOSTESS
There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
FALSTAFF
There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune; nor no more truth in
thee, than in a drawn fox: and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the deputy's
wife of the ward to thee. Go you nothing: go.
HOSTESS
Say, what thing? what thing?
FALSTAFF
What thing? why a thing to thank heaven on.
HOSTESS
I am no thing to thank heaven on, I would thou shouldst know it: I am an honest
man's wife: and setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me
so.
FALSTAFF
Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise.
HOSTESS
Say, what beast, thou knave thou?
FALSTAFF
What beast? why an otter.
PRINCE HENRY
An otter, Sir John? Why an otter?
FALSTAFF
Why? She's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her.
HOSTESS
Thou art an unjust man in saying so; thou, or any man knows where to have me,
thou knave thou.
PRINCE HENRY
Thou sayst true hostess, and he slanders thee most grossly.
HOSTESS
So he doth you, my lord, and said this other day, you ought him a thousand
pound.
PRINCE HENRY
Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
FALSTAFF
A thousand pound Hal? A million. Thy love is worth a million: thou owest me
thy love.
HOSTESS
Nay my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would cudgel you.
FALSTAFF
Did I, Bardolph?
BARDOLPH
Indeed Sir John, you said so.
FALSTAFF
Yea, if he said my ring was copper.
PRINCE HENRY
I say 'tis copper. Darst thou be as good as thy word now?
FALSTAFF
Why Hal? thou knowst, as thou art but man, I dare: but, as thou art prince,
I fear thee, as I fear the roaring of a lion's whelp.
PRINCE HENRY
And why not as the lion?
FALSTAFF
The king himself is to be feared as the lion: dost thou think I'll fear thee,
as I fear thy father? nay if I do, let my girdle break.
PRINCE HENRY
O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees. But sirrah:
there's no room for faith, truth, nor honesty, in this bosom of thine: it is
all filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy
pocket? why thou whoreson impudent embossed rascal, if there were
anything in thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of bawdy-houses,
and one poor penny-worth of sugar-candy to make thee long-winded: if thy
pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, I am a villain: and
yet you will stand to it, you will not pocket up wrong. Art thou not
ashamed?
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear Hal? thou knowst in the state of innocency, Adam fell: and
what should poor Jack Falstaff do, in the days of villany? Thou seest, I have
more flesh than another man, and therefore more frailty. You confess then
you picked my pocket?
PRINCE HENRY
It appears so by the story.
FALSTAFF
Hostess, I forgive thee:
, , , ,
,
Go, make^|ready | breakfast,| love thy | husband,
, ,
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Look to
| thy serv|ants, cherish | thy guests:
<-
, , , 2
, , x
Thou shalt || find me | tractable | to an|y hon|est
reason:
, , ,
__ ___
Thou seest,| I am | paci|fied | still.
, ,
,
Nay, I | prithee | be gone. \\
[Exit Hostess]
Now Hal, to the news at court for the robbery, lad? How is that answered?
PRINCE HENRY
O my sweet beef:
I must still be good angel to thee.
The money is paid back
again.
FALSTAFF
O, I do not like that paying back, 'tis a double labor.
PRINCE HENRY
I am good friends with my father, and may do anything.
FALSTAFF
Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou dost, and do it with unwashed
hands too.
BARDOLPH
Do my lord.
PRINCE HENRY
I have procured thee Jack, a charge of foot.
FALSTAFF
I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well? O,
for a fine thief, of two and twenty, or thereabout: I am
heinously unprovided. Well God be thanked for these rebels, they offend
none but the virtuous. I laud them, I praise them.
PRINCE HENRY
Bardolph.
BARDOLPH
My lord?
PRINCE HENRY
,
x 2
, ,
,
Go bear | this letter | to Lord^John | of
Lan|caster
2 ,
, , 2
, 2 ,
To my broth|er John.| This to my | Lord of
West|moreland,
,
, ,
,
Go Pe|to, to horse:| for thou,| and I,
<- ,
, ,
, ,
__
Have thir||ty miles | to ride | yet
ere | dinner | time.
T T
T , ,
, , ->
Jack, meet me | tomor|row in | the temp||le hall
,
, 2 ,
,
At two | o'clock | in the aft|ernoon,
,
, , ,
,
There shalt | thou know | thy charge,| and there
| receive
, ,
, , ,
Money | and ord|er for | their furn|iture.
,
, ,
, ,
The land | is burn|ing, Per|cy stands | on high,
, ,
, ,
,
And eith|er they,| or we | must lo|wer lie.
FALSTAFF
T T
T ___
Rare words! Brave | world.
,
, ,
Hostess,| my break|fast, come: (tri with
prev)
,
, ,
, ,
Oh, I | could wish | this tav|ern were | my drum.
[Exeunt]