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OLIVIA's house.
[Enter MARIA and Clown]
MARIA
Nay, I prithee put on this gown, and this beard, make him believe thou art
Sir Topas the curate, do it quickly. I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
[Exit]
CLOWN
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in it, and I would I were
the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student: but
to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly, as to say, a
careful man, and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless thee master Parson.
CLOWN
Bonos dies Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague that never saw pen
and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, That that is, is:
so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is that, but that?
and is, but is?
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him Sir Topas.
CLOWN
What ho, I say, peace in this prison.
SIR TOBY BELCH
The knave counterfeits well: a good knave.
MALVOLIO
[Within] Who calls there?
CLOWN
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas go to my lady.
CLOWN
Out hyperbolical fiend, how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing but
of ladies?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well said Master Parson.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged, good Sir Topas do not think I am
mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
CLOWN
Fie, thou dishonest Satan: I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am
one of those gentle ones, that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
sayst thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell Sir Topas.
CLOWN
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores
toward the south north, are as lustrous as ebony: and yet complainest thou of
obstruction?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad Sir Topas, I say to you this house is dark.
CLOWN
Madman thou errest: I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which
thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as
hell; and I say there was never man thus abused, I am no more mad than you
are, make the trial of it in any constant question.
CLOWN
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam, might haply inhabit a bird.
CLOWN
What thinkst thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
CLOWN
Fare thee well: remain thou still in darkness, thou shalt hold the opinion
of Pythagoras, ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock,
lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas.
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas.
CLOWN
Nay I am for all waters.
MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findst him: I would
we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece, that I cannot
pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my
chamber.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
CLOWN
Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO
Fool.
CLOWN
My lady is unkind, perdy.
MALVOLIO
Fool.
CLOWN
Alas why is she so?
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say.
CLOWN
She loves another. Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle,
and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
thee for it.
CLOWN
Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Aye good fool.
CLOWN
Alas sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits (fool) as thou art.
CLOWN
But as well: then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than
a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me: keep me in darkness, send ministers to me,
asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
CLOWN
Advise you what you say: the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits
the heavens restore: endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble
babble.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas.
CLOWN
Maintain no words with him good fellow. Who I sir? not I sir. God be
with you good Sir Topas: Marry amen. I will sir, I will.
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool I say.
CLOWN
Alas sir be patient. What say you sir, I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light, and some paper, I tell thee I am as well
in my wits, as any man in Illyria.
CLOWN
Well-a-day, that you were sir.
MALVOLIO
By this hand I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and light: and convey what I
will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more, than ever the bearing
of letter did.
CLOWN
I will help you to it. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you
but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO
Believe me I am not, I tell thee true.
CLOWN
Nay, I'll nere believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you
light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee be gone.
CLOWN [Singing]
, , ,
,
I am / gone sir,| and a/non sir,
,
, , oo
I'll be | with you | again:|
, , ,
,
In a / trice, like | to the / old vice,
T T T , oo
Your need to | sustain.|
,
, , ,
Who with dag|ger of lath,| in his rage | and his
wrath,
, ,
x oo
Cries ah | ha, to | the devil:|
T . T
T
T . T
T
Like a mad lad,| pare thy nails dad,
, T T
T o
Adieu | good man dev|il.
[Exit]