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A room in FORD'S house.
[Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD]
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance; I see you are
obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth, not
only Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the
accoutrement, complement and ceremony of it: But are you sure of your
husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
He's a-birding (sweet Sir John).
MISTRESS PAGE [Within]
What ho, gossip Ford: what ho.
MISTRESS FORD
Step into the chamber, Sir John.
[Exit FALSTAFF. Enter MISTRESS PAGE]
MISTRESS PAGE
How now (sweetheart) who's at home besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
Why none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAGE
Indeed?
MISTRESS FORD
No certainly:
Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
Why woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder
with my husband, so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the
forehead: crying peer out, peer out, that any madness I ever yet beheld,
seemed but tameness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Of none but him, and swears he was carried out the last time he searched
for him, in a basket: protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another
experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here; now he
shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon.
MISTRESS FORD
I am undone, The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead man. What a woman are
you? Away with him, away with him: better shame, than murder.
FORD
Which way should be go? how should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the
basket again?
[Enter FALSTAFF]
FALSTAFF
No, I'll come no more in the basket:
May I not go out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas: three of Master Ford's brothers, watch the door with pistols, that none
shall issue out: otherwise you might slip away ere he came: But what make
you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces: Creep into the
kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
He will seek there on my word: Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well,
vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
I'll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die Sir John. Unless you go out
disguised.
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day I know not, there is no woman's gown big enough for him:
otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity, rather than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
My maid's aunt the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word it will serve him: she's as big as he is: and there's her
thrummed hat, and her muffler too: Run up Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your
head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick, we'll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while.
[Exit FALSTAFF]
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old
woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath
threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel: and the devil guide his cudgel
afterwards.
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Aye in good sadness is he, and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath
had intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll try that: for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet
him at the door with it, as they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of
Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll first direct my men, what they shall do with the basket: Go up, I'll
bring linen for him straight.
[Exit]
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him dishonest varlet,
We cannot misuse him enough:
,
, , ,
,
We'll leave | a proof | by that | which we | will
do,
,
, ,
, ,
Wives may | be mer|ry, and | yet hon|est too:
,
, , ,
,
We do | not act | that of|ten, jest,| and laugh,
, ,
, ,
,
'Tis old,| but true,| still* swine | eat^all | the
draff.
[Exit. Enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants]
MISTRESS FORD
Go sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders: your master is hard at
door: if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
[Exit]
FIRST SERVANT
Come, come, take it up.
SECOND SERVANT
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
FIRST SERVANT
I hope not, I had as lief bear so much lead.
[Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
FORD
Aye, but if it prove true (Master Page) have you any way then to unfool me
again. Set down the basket villain: Somebody call my wife: Youth in a
basket: O you panderly rascals, there's a knot: a ging, a pack, a conspiracy
against me: now shall the devil be shamed. What wife I say: Come, come
forth: Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.
PAGE
Why, this passes Master Ford: you are not to go loose any longer, you must
be pinioned.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Why, this is lunatics: this is mad, as a mad dog.
SHALLOW
Indeed Master Ford, this is not well indeed.
FORD
So say I too sir, come hither Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, the honest
woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to
her husband: I suspect without cause (mistress) do I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
FORD
Well said brazen-face, hold it out: Come forth sirrah.
[Pulling clothes out of the basket]
PAGE
This passes.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed, let the clothes alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Tis unreasonable; Will you take up your wife's clothes? Come, away.
FORD
Empty the basket I say.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday
in this basket: why may not he be there again, in my house I am sure he is:
my intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable, pluck me out all the
linen.
MISTRESS FORD
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
PAGE
Here's no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity this is not well Master Ford: this wrongs you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own
heart: this is jealousies.
FORD
Well, he's not here I seek for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
Help to search my house this one time: If I find not what I seek, show no
color for my extremity: let me for ever be your table-sport: let them say of
me, As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.
Satisfy me once more, once more search with me.
MISTRESS FORD
What ho (Mistress Page), come you and the old woman down: my husband will
come into the chamber.
FORD
Old woman? what old woman's that?
MISTRESS FORD
Why it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean: Have I not forbid her my house. She
comes of errands does she? We are simple men, we do not know what's brought
to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by
spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element: we
know nothing. Come down you witch, you hag you, come down I say.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband, Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.
[Enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE]
MISTRESS PAGE
Come Mother Prat, come give me your hand.
FORD
I'll prat her: Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
you runyon, out, out: I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
[Exit FALSTAFF]
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed?
I think you have killed the poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay he will do it, 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
FORD
Hang her witch.
SIR HUGH EVANS
By the yea and no, I think the woman is a witch indeed: I like not when a
woman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under his muffler.
FORD
Will you follow gentlemen? I beseech you follow: see but the issue of my
jealousy: if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
PAGE
Let's obey his humour a little further: come gentlemen.
[Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay by the mass that he did not: he beat him most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung ore the altar, it hath done
meritorious service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? may we with the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a
good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him, if the devil have him
not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never (I think) in the
way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Yes, by all means: if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's
brains: if they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat knight
shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll warrant, they'll have him publicly shamed, and methinks there would be
no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it, then shape it: I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt]