Much Ado About Nothing

A prison.
 
[Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and Sexton, in gowns; and the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO]
 
DOGBERRY
Is our whole dissembly appeared?
 
VERGES
O a stool and a cushion for the sexton.
 
SEXTON
Which be the malefactors?
 
DOGBERRY
Marry that am I, and my partner.
 
VERGES
Nay that's certain, we have the exhibition to examine.
 
SEXTON
But which are the offenders that are to be examined, let them come before master constable.
 
DOGBERRY
Yea marry, let them come before me, what is your name, friend?
 
BORACHIO
Borachio.
 
DOGBERRY
Pray write down Borachio. Yours sirrah.
 
CONRADE
I am a gentleman sir, and my name is Conrade.
 
DOGBERRY
Write down master gentleman Conrade: Masters, do you serve God:
 
CONRADE AND BORACHIO
Yea sir, we hope.
 
DOGBERRY
Write down that they hope they serve God, and write God first: for God defend but God should go before such villains: Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be thought so shortly, how answer you for yourselves?
 
CONRADE
Marry sir, we say we are none.
 
DOGBERRY
A marvellous witty fellow I assure you, but I will go about with him: come you hither sirrah, a word in your ear sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.
 
BORACHIO
Sir, I say to you, we are none.
 
DOGBERRY
Well, stand aside, 'fore God they are both in a tale: Have you writ down that they are none?
 
SEXTON
Master constable, you go not the way to examine, you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
 
DOGBERRY
Yea marry, that's the eftest way, let the watch come forth: Masters, I charge you in the prince's name, accuse these men.
 
FIRST WATCHMAN
This man said sir, that Don John the prince's brother was a villain.
 
DOGBERRY
Write down, Prince John a villain: why this is flat perjury, to call a prince's brother villain.
 
BORACHIO
Master constable.
 
DOGBERRY
Pray thee fellow peace: I do not like thy look I promise thee.
 
SEXTON
What heard you him say else?
 
SECOND WATCHMAN
Marry that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John, for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
 
DOGBERRY
Flat burglary as ever was committed.
 
VERGES
Yea by mass that it is.
 
SEXTON
What else, fellow?
 
FIRST WATCHMAN
And that Count Claudio did mean upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.
 
DOGBERRY
O villain! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.
 
SEXTON
What else?
 
WATCHMAN
This is all.
 
SEXTON
And this is more masters than you can deny, Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away: Hero was in this manner accused, in this very manner refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died: Master constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato, I will go before and show him their examination.
 
[Exit]
 
DOGBERRY
Come, let them be opinioned.
 
VERGES
Let them be in the hands
 
CONRADE
Off coxcomb.
 
DOGBERRY
God's my life, where's the sexton? Let him write down the prince's officer coxcomb: come, bind them Thou naughty varlet.
 
CONRADE
Away, you are an ass, you are an ass.
 
DOGBERRY
Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass: though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass: No thou villain, thou art full of piety as shall be proved upon thee by good witness, I am a wise fellow, and which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to, and a rich fellow enough, go to, and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns, and everything handsome about him: bring him away: O that I had been writ down an ass!
 
[Exeunt]