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Much Ado About Nothing

Act I, Scene 1

Before LEONATO'S house.
 
[Enter LEONATO, HERO, and BEATRICE, with a Messenger]
 
LEONATO
I learn in this letter that Don Peter of Arragon comes this night to Messina.
 
MESSENGER
He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off when I left him.
 
LEONATO
How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
 
MESSENGER
But few of any sort, and none of name.
 
LEONATO
A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers. I find here that Don Peter hath bestowed much honor on a young Florentine called Claudio.
 
MESSENGER
Much deserved on his part and equally remembered by Don Pedro: he hath borne himself beyond the promise of his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb, the feats of a lion: he hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must expect of me to tell you how.
 
LEONATO
He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of it.
 
MESSENGER
I have already delivered him letters, and there appears much joy in him; even so much that joy could not show itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness.
 
LEONATO
Did he break out into tears?
 
MESSENGER
In great measure.
 
LEONATO
A kind overflow of kindness: there are no faces truer than those that are so washed. How much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping.
 
BEATRICE
I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no?
 
MESSENGER
I know none of that name, lady: there was none such in the army of any sort.
 
LEONATO
What is he that you ask for, niece?
 
HERO
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
 
MESSENGER
O, he's returned; and as pleasant as ever he was.
 
BEATRICE
He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at the flight; and my uncle's fool, reading the challenge, subscribed for Cupid, and challenged him at the bird-bolt. I pray you, how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars? But how many hath he killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing.
 
LEONATO
Faith, niece, you tax Signior Benedick too much; but he'll be meet with you, I doubt it not.
 
MESSENGER
He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
 
BEATRICE
You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it: he is a very valiant trencherman; he hath an excellent stomach.
 
MESSENGER
And a good soldier too, lady.
 
BEATRICE
And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord?
 
MESSENGER
A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all honorable virtues.
 
BEATRICE
It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man: but for the stuffing,--well, we are all mortal.
 
LEONATO
You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her: they never meet but there's a skirmish of wit between them.
 
BEATRICE
Alas. he gets nothing by that. In our last conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one: so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left, to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
 
MESSENGER
Is it possible?
 
BEATRICE
Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the next block.
 
MESSENGER
I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
 
BEATRICE
No; an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray you, who is his companion? Is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil?
 
MESSENGER
He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
 
BEATRICE
O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio. if he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere he be cured.
 
MESSENGER
I will hold friends with you, lady.
 
BEATRICE
Do, good friend.
 
LEONATO
You will never run mad, niece.
 
BEATRICE
No, not till a hot January.
 
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is approached.
 
[Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, and BALTHASAR]
 
DON PEDRO
Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.
 
LEONATO
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your grace: for trouble being gone, comfort should remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave.
 
DON PEDRO
You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this is your daughter.
 
LEONATO
Her mother hath many times told me so.
 
BENEDICK
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?
 
LEONATO
Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.
 
DON PEDRO
You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this what you are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers herself. Be happy, lady; for you are like an honorable father.
 
BENEDICK
If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.
 
BEATRICE
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.
 
BENEDICK
What, my dear Lady Disdain. are you yet living?
 
BEATRICE
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come in her presence.
 
BENEDICK
Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.
 
BEATRICE
A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humor for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
 
BENEDICK
God keep your ladyship still in that mind. so some gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate scratched face.
 
BEATRICE
Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such a face as yours were.
 
BENEDICK
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
 
BEATRICE
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
 
BENEDICK
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer. But keep your way, i' God's name; I have done.
 
BEATRICE
You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.
 
DON PEDRO
That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month; and he heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart.
 
LEONATO
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
 
DON JOHN
I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank you.
 
LEONATO
Please it your grace lead on?
 
DON PEDRO
Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.
 
[Exeunt all except BENEDICK and CLAUDIO]
 
CLAUDIO
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?
 
BENEDICK
I noted her not; but I looked on her.
 
CLAUDIO
Is she not a modest young lady?
 
BENEDICK
Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
 
CLAUDIO
No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
 
BENEDICK
Why, in faith, methinks she's too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.
 
CLAUDIO
Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me truly how thou likest her.
 
BENEDICK
Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?
 
CLAUDIO
Can the world buy such a jewel?
 
BENEDICK
Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack, to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter? Come, in what key shall a man take you, to go in the song?
 
CLAUDIO
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.
 
BENEDICK
I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such matter: there's her cousin, an she were not possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December. But I hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?
 
CLAUDIO
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.
 
BENEDICK
Is it come to this? In faith, hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a bachelor of three-score again? Go to, in faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away Sundays. Look Don Pedro is returned to seek you.
 
[Re-enter DON PEDRO]
 
DON PEDRO
What secret hath held you here, that you followed not to Leonato's?
 
BENEDICK
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
 
DON PEDRO
I charge thee on thy allegiance.
 
BENEDICK
You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb man; I would have you think so; but, on my allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance. He is in love. With who? now that is your grace's part. Mark how short his answer is;--With Hero, Leonato's short daughter.
 
CLAUDIO
If this were so, so were it uttered.
 
BENEDICK
Like the old tale, my lord: it is not so, nor 'twas not so, but, indeed, God forbid it should be so.
 
CLAUDIO
If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it should be otherwise.
 
DON PEDRO
Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.
 
CLAUDIO
You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
 
DON PEDRO
By my troth, I speak my thought.
 
CLAUDIO
And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.
 
BENEDICK
And, by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.
 
CLAUDIO
That I love her, I feel.
 
DON PEDRO
That she is worthy, I know.
 
BENEDICK
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me: I will die in it at the stake.
 
DON PEDRO
Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.
 
CLAUDIO
And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will.
 
BENEDICK
That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
 
DON PEDRO
I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
 
BENEDICK
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of blind Cupid.
 
DON PEDRO
Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou wilt prove a notable argument.
 
BENEDICK
If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me; and he that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder, and called Adam.
 
DON PEDRO
Well, as time shall try: In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.
 
BENEDICK
The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead: and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they write, here is good horse to hire, let them signify under my sign, here you may see Benedick the married man.
 
CLAUDIO
If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.
 
DON PEDRO
Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice, thou wilt quake for this shortly.
 
BENEDICK
I look for an earthquake too, then.
 
DON PEDRO
Well, you temporize with the hours. In the meantime, good Signior Benedick, repair to Leonato's: commend me to him and tell him I will not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made great preparation.
 
BENEDICK
I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage; and so I commit you--
 
CLAUDIO
To the tuition of God: From my house, if I had it,--
 
DON PEDRO
The sixth of July: Your loving friend, Benedick.
 
BENEDICK
Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere you flout old ends any further, examine your conscience: and so I leave you.
 
[Exit]
 
CLAUDIO
           ,            ,        ,         ,        ,
      My liege,| your high|ness now | may do | me good.
 
DON PEDRO
           ,         ,           ,      ,             ,
      My love | is thine | to teach,| teach it | but how,
            ,           ,         ,        ,        ,
      And thou | shalt see | how apt | it is | to learn
      ,       ,   ,                  ,           ,
      Any | hard les/son that | may do | thee* good.
 
CLAUDIO
            ,   ,    ,     ,         ,
      Hath^Le|ona|to a|ny son | my lord?
 
DON PEDRO
            ,          ,       ,          ,      ,
      No* child | but He|ro, she's | his on|ly heir.
        ,            ,           ,
      Dost thou | affect | her Claud|io?
 
CLAUDIO
                                         ,        ,
                                         O | my lord,
        ,     2        ,        ,         ,       ,
      When you went | onward | on this | ended | action,
           ,       ,     ,            ,          ,
      I looked | upon | her with | a sol|dier's eye,
             ,          ,        ,        ,         ,
      That liked,| but had | a rough|er task | in hand,
                  ,    ,       ,         ,         ,
      Than to / drive lik|ing to | the name | of love:
           ,       ,        ,                 ,      ,
      But now | I am | returned,| and that / war-thoughts
             ,           ,       ,        ,           ,
      Have left | their pla|ces va|cant, in | their rooms
               ,         ,         ,     ,        ,
      Come* throng|ing soft | and del|icate | desires,
       ,    ,              T    T    T      ,  2
      All promp/ting me | how fair young | Hero is,
       ,           ,          ,        ,         ,
      Saying | I liked | her ere | I went | to wars.
 
DON PEDRO
        ,          T   T  .  T      ,       ,
      Thou wilt | be like a lov|er pre|sently
            ,          ,       ,        ,         ,
      And tire | the hear|er with | a book | of words:
           ,           ,      T   T T     ,    2
      If thou | dost^love | fair Hero,| cherish it,
          ,          ,           ,     ,      2       ,
      And I | will break | with her | and with her | father,
            ,            ,            x      ,             ,
      And thou | shalt have | her. Was it | not to | this end,
             ,        ,          ,          ,       ,      2->
      That thou | beganst | to twist | so fine | a sto||ry?
 
CLAUDIO
             ,       ,        ,     ,         ,
      How* sweet|ly you | do mi|nister | to love,
        T    T     T       ,    ,             ,
      That know love's | grief by / his com|plexion!
            ,        ,        ,           ,        ,
      But lest | my lik|ing might | too* sud|den seem,
          ,                x       ,        ,        ,
      I would | have salved it | with a | longer | treatise.
 
DON PEDRO
             ,           ,       ,    ,                   ,
      What need | the bridge | much broad/er than | the flood?
            ,        ,      ,          ,     ,
      The fair|est grant | is the | neces|sity:
             ,           ,         ,           ,           ,
      Look^what | will serve,| is fit:| 'tis once,| thou lovst,
          ,         ,      ,              ,    ,
      And I | will fit | thee with | the re|medy.
          ,         ,           ,      ,        ,
      I know | we shall | have re|velling | tonight:
          ,        ,          ,         ,         ,
      I will | assume | thy part | in some | disguise
       .    T    T   T    ,        ,    ,
      And tell fair He|ro I | am Clau|dio,
           ,        ,             ,  ,          ,
      And in | her bo|som I'll / unclasp | my heart
            ,          ,        ,    ,        2      ,
      And take | her hear|ing pris|oner | with the force
             ,         ,       ,       ,  2      ,
      And strong | encoun|ter of | my am|orous tale:
            ,      ,        ,        ,        ,
      Then^af|ter to | her fa|ther will | I break;
       ,     2      ,       T   T    T          ,
      And the con|clusion |is, she shall | be thine.
           ,        ,        ,         ,      ,
      In prac|tise let | us put | it pres|ently.
 
[Exeunt]

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